im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
