I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
