I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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