Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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