yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
