Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
