dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
