I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
