At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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