My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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