I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Text me some of your sweat
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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