You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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