I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Dear god my vagina.
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