Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
