Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
