Christians are straight up FREAKS
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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