I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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