Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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