Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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