So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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