can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
