remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
