Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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