Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
