The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
