i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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