Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
