I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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