remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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