Duck Duck Cougar?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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