2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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