I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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