Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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