I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
