so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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