She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
