the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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