Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
