So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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