Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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