i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
