she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
