take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
