i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.