He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.