I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath