I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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