So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
