Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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