Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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