HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.