I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
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Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT