I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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