If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You have to summon your inner elephant
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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