apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
