After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
PANTIES FOUND
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
