I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
