did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
